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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23092468">Yaz needs her Doctor</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fragmentsofemotion/pseuds/Fragmentsofemotion'>Fragmentsofemotion</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, thasmin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:21:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,849</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23092468</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fragmentsofemotion/pseuds/Fragmentsofemotion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Team Tardis are taking a break from travelling, but being away from her Doctor Yaz starts to struggle. Trigger warning: mentions of self harm and suicide</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thirteenth Doctor &amp; Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I love Thasmin and thought it was time to contribute, this is my first time writing in this fandom so I hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Team Tardis are taking a break from travelling, but being away from her Doctor Yaz starts to struggle. Trigger Warning: self harm and suicide.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Drawing the blade across her skin, Yaz let out a sigh of relief. The Doctor had dropped her and the rest of team Tardis back home two days ago and it would be another week until she saw her again. Yaz knew that having some time away from all the adventuring was important and the Doctor had some tinkering to do about the Tardis. But being back home, shut alone in her room, all the bad thoughts and feeling came rushing back and no matter how hard she tried there was nothing she could do to stop them.</p><p>Tears stung the corners of her eyes as she made one final cut. Placing the blade back in its hidden place, Yaz crawled into bed and squeezed her eyes shut. It was awful being back in this place, where sleeping was easier than being a person. Nights were the hardest, they always had been, but with the Doctor, her Doctor, the nights were better. Sometimes even enjoyable. Being curled up in bed with strong arms wrapped around her, Yaz was able to rest peacefully. But now alone in the room, her body shook with sobs and she shoved a fist in her mouth to keep herself quiet. </p><p>Sleep took a while to come but when it did it was over far to quickly. Sadness flooded her body as she opened her eyes to see herself alone in bed. On the Tardis the Doctor always waited for Yaz to wake up because she knew if she didn’t Yaz would probably have a panic attack and she really didn’t want Yaz to have a panic attack. Which is what happened now. It felt like she was breathing through a straw. Her entire body was shaking, and her eyes were blind with tears. “Calm down.” Yaz thought to herself, “Your okay, you just have to breathe.” It was one of the most painful things, having to tell yourself to breathe because there is no one there, no one to support you, no one to care. Yaz knew if she called the Doctor she would come immediately, but she didn’t want to delay the trip for the boys, and she had promised the doctor she would be alright, and she didn’t want to go back on her promise.</p><p>She was alright. At least that is what she told herself, as she made her way out of bed and threw on some clothes. Dressed in grey sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, Yaz dragged herself downstairs to get some breakfast. She didn’t have work today which was some what of a relief. On the one hand, she didn’t have to act like a person today which was ridiculously tiring, but on the other hand, there was nothing to distract her from what was happening in her mind. Feeling conflicted, Yaz poured herself some cereal and tried to distract get her mind off the bad thoughts. “Maybe I’ll sit on a bench in the park, some fresh air could be good,” she said to herself quietly. Planning something to do each day outside of the house, was one of the ways she used to cope before she met the Doctor. But now with the Doctor she always had something to do and someone to it with. She didn’t want to sound petty or pathetic, but she just wanted someone to love her and someone to love back and with the Doctor she had that.</p><p>The Doctor had seen her scars. They had been lying in bed one night, when she had asked about them. “Sweetheart,” she had started, but the Doctor being the Doctor she hadn’t been able to continue. Instead she reached out for Yaz’s arm and gently ran her find over the scars giving Yaz a questioning look. It had taken a while for Yaz to become comfortable with the Doctor, she feared of being kicked off the Tardis, so she had kept her head down and never showed that side of her, the sad side of her. But overtime, as she and the Doctor go closer she began to open up. It was a few tears at first, then she had a panic attack in front of her. When she didn’t run off or make Yaz leave, that’s was when the brunette began to truly feel safe and at home on the Tardis. The Doc talked her through the attack helping her to breathe and then holding her after. The feeling of safety and love that she felt being in the Doctor’s arms was incredible. But knowing that feeling made all the panic attacks, she had alone, after worse. Craving the comfort Yaz felt guilt, she should be able to get through them on her own she always had before. </p><p>It wasn’t long after her first panic attack with the Doctor that she told her about the time when things got too bad. For Yaz, talking about the time she nearly ended it all was easier than talking about the scars. She had come close, yes, but she hadn’t actually done it and because she was helped by the police officer she felt like her experience was valid enough to talk about with people that she trusted.</p><p>The scars were something she didn’t really like talking about because she still slipped now and again she hadn’t fully recovered, and she doubted she ever would. And that’s would she told the Doc. Lying in her girlfriends arms Yaz told the story of why she started, from the bulling, and how she was better but now and again when things got really hard again she would slip, because the blade is the only comfort she has ever really had in her life. The blonde just listened and held her love close, feeling happy that Yaz felt comfortable enough to confide in her. And when she was done, the Doctor held her tight and placed soft kisses on the top of her head, as Yaz sighed happily into the embrace.</p><p>Now sitting on the bench, Yaz longed to be held by her Doctor. “To not be going back on your promise you need to call her, that’s the only way you’ll be okay.” Yaz said quietly to herself, the logical part of her brain kicking in. Before she could lose confidence in herself she sent the Doctor a message and five minutes later the familiar noise could be heard.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor's arrived to help. TW: mentions of self harm</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for the amazing response to the first chapter I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Here's Chapter 2!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the whirring eventually stopped, Yaz could see a figure making there way out of the blue box on the horizon. Beginning to get anxious Yaz started to rub her arm up and down, regret filled her head and her breathe caught in her throat. “Stupid! Stupid!” her head told her, “She’s going to hate you and so are Graham and Ryan, the world doesn’t revolve around you, you’re ruining things for everyone else, why can’t you just be normal!” </p>
<p>Yaz was so caught up in her own mind she didn’t see the figure sitting down next to her on the bench. “Hey, hey, where’s my beautiful girl at?” Recognising the soft voice, Yaz looked up to see the Doctor sitting next to her. Once the blonde knew she had got her girlfriends attention she placed a gentle hand on her back. At the feel of the contact, tears began to stream down Yaz’s face. Pulling her close the Doctor felt Yaz turn her head into her chest. “It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay I promise,” the Doctor reassured. “How about we get on the Tardis, hey, away from all these people.” She felt a little nod against her chest, “Come on then sweetheart.” Pulling away the Doctor reached out a hand and gently tugged Yaz up and lead her back towards the Tardis. </p>
<p>The Doctor took the two of them to her room, Yaz’s favourite room in the Tardis. The blonde lowered them both down on the bed, “Do you want to talk about it?” she questioned.  Yaz shook her head,<br/>
“Not yet,” she all but whimpered out. Tears began to threaten to fall again.<br/>
“That’s okay, whenever your ready,” the Doc reassured. Yaz managed a small, grateful smile before leaning back into her girlfriends embrace. </p>
<p>The two of them sat like that for some time before Yaz quietly said she was tired. Complying, the blonde lay them down and pulled the covers over them. Wrapping strong arms around her love, she felt Yaz sigh contently and quickly drift off to sleep. The Doctor was so grateful she was able to give the one she loved some peace, but she couldn’t help but feel worried. It was hard to see Yaz in pain, people had hurt her, and it was difficult for her to trust, and the Doctor wanted to take all that pain away. She knew she helped, Yaz had told her and she believed her, but this time Yaz seemed sadder, quieter and the Doctor just wanted to help. Feeling Yaz move, the Doctor loosened her hold a little. Her girlfriends sleeve rolled up a little and exposed what she had done the night before. The Doctor felt her breath catch in her throat, “oh Yaz,” she whispered. Dreading to think what was going on in her girlfriend’s head, the Doctor tightened her hold once again, and placed a soft kiss in Yaz’s hair. </p>
<p>It was about three hours later when Yaz woke up, and as per usual, she woke up in a panic. Her eyes were hazy, and she tried to focus on something, anything. It was moments like this she swore that her lungs were too small. Just as she was about to fall into full blown panic attack mode, a soft voice spoke, “It’s okay, your okay, you’ve just got to breathe for me, I’m right here with you, I’m not going anywhere I promise.” With those words Yaz began to calm down, she wasn’t at home by herself, she was on the Tardis with her girlfriend, and she was safe. Once she had relaxed enough to get her breathing back under control, Yaz looked down and to her horror she saw that in her sleep her sleeve had rolled up and her cuts were exposed. Shame flooded her body, even though the Doctor had seen her scars before, she hadn’t seen fresh cuts and the self-hatred Yaz felt was so incredibly overwhelming she came close to slipping into another panic attack. “Hey everything’s alright, I’m not mad.” The Doctor reassured knowing that Yaz would be worried about what she was thinking.<br/>
“I’m sorry,” Yaz murmured quietly.<br/>
“You have NOTHING to apologise for.” The Doctor said making sure Yaz understood and was listening to her. She never wanted Yaz to feel ashamed or guilty for what she has done in order to cope. Of course, the Doctor would prefer it if she found better, more healthy coping mechanisms, but she would never make Yaz feel bad about what she has done.</p>
<p>Nodding to show that she had been listening, Yaz looked into the Doctors eyes. When she looked in them she felt like she could she how old the Doctor truly was. But also, she could she an immense amount of love and Yaz couldn’t help but feel safe and protected. Cuddling back into the blonde’s side, she sighed, “I couldn’t even make it three days,” she looked down, feeling ashamed.<br/>
“I don’t mind,” the Doctor reassured, “if I’m being honest I was starting to get quite lonely. Can’t have a good time without the fam, or without you.”<br/>
Yaz couldn’t help but love it when the Doctor did that. She already knew they had a special relationship as they were dating, but when the Doctor singled her out it made her feel extra special and like someone cares, because as pathetic as it sounds, Yaz went so long without anyone caring that now, when someone does show they care, it makes her feel so much better. Like she’s valid and worth something.</p>
<p>“I just wanted to feel better.” Yaz said referring to her cuts. Doctor nodded showing she was listening but giving Yaz an opportunity to continue. “It’ just… when I’m alone I found it hard to keep control over my thoughts. I always have these thoughts, you know, but when I’m with people and I’m distracted I am able to keep them from completely overwhelming me. At night its worse, there is me and only me surrounded by darkness and I can’ handle it.” At this point, Yaz started crying, “Last night, I just couldn’t, the thoughts were just too powerful and I… I needed them to stop, s-so I did that.” Stumbling over her words Yaz completely broke, tears flooding down her cheeks.<br/>
“Shh… shh it’s okay, everything’s going to be okay. You’re not alone now, you’re with me in the Tardis and we here, we’ve got you,” the Doctor consoled, whishing she knew how to take away her loves pain.</p>
<p>It took about twenty minutes, but eventually, Yaz calmed down and the Doctor was able to ask if she could look and her girlfriend’s wounds. Although, she resisted at first, after some reassurance that she wasn’t going to judge her, she just wanted to make sure she was okay, Yaz relented and let the Doctor lead her towards one of the many bathrooms.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That's it, would do you think?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yaz and the Doctor make plans but worry gets in the way. Trigger Warning: mentions of self harm</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here's the next chapter, I'm so happy that you guys enjoyed the last one, I hope you like this one to.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gentle hands carefully got to work cleaning the cuts. Yaz winced a bit as the blonde cleaned a particularly deep one. “You alright,” the Doc questioned. In response, the brunette gave a small nod. Less than five minutes later, Yaz’s arm was wrapped up in a clean bandage and the Doctor gave her the all clear. “No signs of infection,” she stated, scanning the arm with her sonic. <br/>“Good, that’s good,” Yaz murmured quietly, looking at the ground. The Doctor, sensing Yaz’s discomfort, led her out of the bathroom and towards the living room. She sat them down on the couch and turned on the TV, playing Yaz’s favourite movie. The blonde knew that if she gave her girlfriend some time she would tell her what she wants or needs. </p>
<p>They were about an hour into the movie when Yaz got up, “Do you want some tea?” she asked,<br/>“Love some, thanks Yaz,” the Doctor replied, giving Yaz a warm smile. When she returned with the tea, and some custard creams, the blonde paused the movie. <br/>“Do you still have some tinkering to about the Tardis?” Yaz asked. <br/>“Hmm,” she replied nodding her head, “only a little though, maybe a day’s work.”<br/>“Okay,” Yaz said, “Do you think once your done we could go and do something together before we pick up the others.”<br/>“Of course!” the Doc replied with a bit too much energy, “Love spending time with Yaz!” she bounced up from where she was seated, “Where should we go” What do you want to do” There are so many places we haven’t gone to yet!” Yaz laughed as she tried to keep up with what the Doctor was saying, as she spoke so quickly. <br/>“I don’t know, I would like to go to some place quiet where we can relax and just spend time together you know, I don’t really want to be running from any aliens today.” Yaz said as soon as she could get a word in. <br/>“Got it,” the Doc said winking at her, “how about a beach, but a quiet one, I know the perfect one.”<br/>“Sounds good,” Yaz replied.</p>
<p>The two of them parted ways as the Doctor went to finish her work about the Tardis and Yaz went into the kitchen to have another cup of tea. She was about halfway through her drink when she started to panic again. “A beach,” Yaz thought, “Where I have to wear shorts and t-shirts, I’m covered in cuts and scars.” A couple of tears escaped her eyes, “I can’t do it, I can’t…”</p>
<p>The Doctor was in the console room fixing her final thing, when the Tardis started humming at her, and not the usual humming but a concerned one. Immediately the Doctor knew what it was trying to tell her.  Racing down the corridors the Doctor came to a sudden stop outside the kitchen. She could heart faint whimpering inside, “Yaz, honey, you okay?” she said gently pushing open the door. The blonde’s heart broke when she saw the sight in front of her. Yaz was on lying on the floor of the kitchen on her side, shaking while tears streamed down her face. The Doctor knew what had happened, when Yaz got herself really worked up, her difficulty with breathing became too much for her body to handle and her legs went out from under her. It only ever happened once in front of her, usually the Doctor only got to her after she was already on the ground. After the blonde actually saw Yaz fall to the ground, the brunette had told her that usually, with people there she was able to ground and feel like a real person and she could keep the anxiety low enough to keep herself upright. But when she was alone, she didn’t feel like a person and that she wasn’t valid or allowed to feel what she was feeling and those thoughts on top of the ones that got her to such a bad state in the first place made it so difficult to cope that, she couldn’t ground herself on her own, and after a while her body can’t handle it anymore and it just gives up on her and she ends up on the ground.</p>
<p>The Doctor slowly approached the figure on the ground. “Yaz, I going to grab your hand now.” She gave Yaz about thirty seconds for the information to sink in as she didn’t want to frighten her. Then she slowly reached out and grabbed her hand. The Doc then squeezed it a couple of times, “Can you feel me, I’m here with you, you are real, you are valid, and I love you so much.” She squeezed her loved hand again, “Can you squeeze my hand, I know you can do it sweetheart; it will make you feel better I promise.” It took a little while, but the Doctor felt her hand gently being squeezed. The two of them then alternated squeezing each other’s hands until Yaz was calm enough to sit up. Her breathing was still ragged, and the Doctor had her sit crossed legged in front of her, “Breathe with me baby.” Slowly the blonde took in deep breathes and watched as her love copied along.</p>
<p>Eventually Yaz’s breathing was back under control and the two of them moved into one of the living rooms so they could sit somewhere more comfortably. Snuggled into the Doctors side, Yaz sighed, “I’m sorry,” tears threatened to spill again at these words, “I didn’t mean to, please don’t be angry at me, please let me stay with you,” the last words were barely whispered out and the Doctor had to strain to hear them. <br/>“I told you this earlier, you never have to apologise for having these feelings, though I would like it if you come and find me when you start feeling like this, I know it can be hard in the Tardis but she likes you, you know, and I think she would help you find me.” The Tardis positively hummed in response. <br/>“I know, it’s just I didn’t want to be more of a problem than I already am.” Yaz replied,<br/>“You are never a problem, I promise,” the blonde said looking at Yaz with clear honest eyes. The brunette gave a small smile in response, but she did feel a lot better.</p>
<p>The two sat cuddled together for a little while, then the Doctor asked, “So do you want to tell me what happened?”<br/>“Umm… well…. It’s just I’m going to have to wear a short sleeve shirt on the beach aren’t I and I have all these, you know,” Yaz looked down ashamed. <br/>“Hey you have nothing to be embarrassed about, if you worried we can keep your arms bandaged or we can go somewhere else, or even to a cooler beach where it would be better to wear a jacket,” the Doctor replied,<br/>“Yeah, I guess, the last option sounds good,” the brunette mumbled,<br/>“Then that’s what we’ll do,” the Doctor replied, “I know a beach that will be perfect this time of year, whenever this year…” the Doctor trailed of confusing herself, like she normally did. However, she quickly recovered, “See there is almost always something we can do, please come to me when your worried and we can try and find a way to make it better.”<br/>Yaz gave a weak nod, “Sorry I just got myself worked up is all.”<br/>“And that’s okay, but you know you can always come to me, right?” <br/>“Right,” Yaz replied.<br/>“Okay then, let’s get ready to go,” the Doctor said, her excitable energy coming back.<br/>Yaz laughed as she got up and followed the bouncing Doctor to their bedroom.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter will be at the beach if anyone wants to see something specific please let me know I am open to suggestions and if you enjoyed the chapter.<br/>Thanks x</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yaz and her girlfriend are spending the day at the beach.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry this took so long, I'm trying to get to grips with teaching myself at the moment. Thank you so much for the positive response on the last chapter, I hope you enjoy this one as well!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wearing leggings and a long-sleeved shirt Yaz followed an excitable Doctor out of the Tardis. Upon exciting she found herself on a secluded beach that had a cool breeze going across it. The sea was a clear blue and it looked, to Yaz, that it went on forever. The blonde grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze before leading them over to one corner of the beach that had some rocks in it. “Here, we will be sheltered from the wind a bit,” the Doctor explained. Yaz nodded, not minding where they sit at all, she was just glad to be with her girlfriend. </p><p>Once they had settled down on the sand, the Doctor pulled Yaz into her side and let out a soft sigh, “I love this, you know, sometimes life gets to chaotic for even me and taking a rest with you is the best.” A small smile made its way onto Yaz’s face,<br/>“Being with you is my favourite too,” she responded cuddling further into her Doctor’s side.</p><p>The two of them sat gazing at the view for a while, when a cheerful musical sound came from behind the rocks. “Ice cream!” the blonde squealed, jumping up and pulling Yaz towards the sound of the sound. Yaz let out a laugh as she ran after the Doctor. By the time she got there the blonde was already holding two ninety-nines and had ice-cream on her nose. Yaz couldn’t help but think she was so cute when she was like this. The Doctor handed the ice cream she hadn’t started eating over to Yaz, “you know, I think ice cream may be one of the best things you humans have ever evented, its so sweet and it makes you so happy,” she said giving her girlfriend a big grin, <br/>“Yeah, that’s because it has sugar in and we all know what your like when you’ve had too much sugar,” Yaz laughed. <br/>“Hey,” the Doctor said, pretending like she had been seriously offended, “I’m no worse than Ryan,”<br/>“Yeah, Yeah, I guess that’s fair enough he is the worst when he’s had too much sugar.” Yaz replied laughing again.</p><p>The two of them made there way back down their spot on the beach and settled back down on the towel, the Doctor had placed down earlier. It was only a minute later when the Doctor took the last bite of her cone and declared she was bored. “Well how about we play a card game,” Yaz said, “When I was younger they were one of my favourite things to do while on the beach.”<br/>“Okay, what should we play?” The blonde asked,<br/>“How about rummy?” she responded,<br/>“Yeah! I love rummy, how do you play?” the Doc asked. Yaz laughed and proceeded to tell the Doctor how to play. It didn’t take very long for her to catch on, and the two played for a good hour before the Doctor let out a yawn and said she wanted to take a nap. Complying easily, Yaz settled down next to her love and cuddled into her side, before the two of them fell asleep for a little while.</p><p>The brunette woke up before the Doctor. Rolling over she let out a content sigh, the clouds looked so beautiful today. Yaz thought it sounded weird but when she was outside she was always calmer, like she could actually breathe outside, like there was air around her. It was calming. Especially with her Doctor she could really relax and take in the beauty of where she was. It didn’t take long for the Doctor to wake up. “How long was I out?” she questioned, rubbing her eyes, <br/>“About two hours,” she responded,<br/>“Oh, well what do you want to do now?” she asked,<br/>“I don’t mind,” the brunette responded as she really didn’t care what they did next.<br/>“Well about a swim, it looks lovely and clear,” the blonde suggested. The beach was completely deserted apart from the two of them, and she had a rash vest so Yaz agreed, she did like swimming anyway.</p><p>The two splashed about amongst the waves, laughing and crying out when the other splashed them in the face. At one point the Doctor completely submerged herself under the waves and popped up on the other side of the brunette who squealed in shock when she felt someone grasp her shoulders before breaking out into a fit of laughter again. </p><p>After a little while Yaz said she was cold, and they made their way back up the beach and wrapped themselves in towels to watch the sunset. “I’ve had a great day,” Yaz said softly as she watched pretty colours fill the sky, <br/>“Me too,” the Doctor replied just as quietly,<br/>“I love you so much,” Yaz said, “I always want to be with you.” The Doctor turned to face her love, seeing the pure love and hope in her eyes the Doctor leaned over and kissed her,<br/>“I love you too, so much, my beautiful girlfriend,” the Doctor replied, kissing her again. Yaz let out a happy sigh and snuggled back into her girlfriend’s side, to watch the sunset.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That's it, I really hope you liked it. At the moment I'm not sure where I'm going to go next with this so any if you have any ideas I'd love to hear them!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning for this chapter: there is a lot to talk about suicide so if that is triggering please don't read. That being said I really hope you enjoy this chapter, I know its been a while, I can only apologise for that. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been two weeks since Yaz and the Doctor had taken that trip to the beach and now team Tardis was all back together. Yaz was thrilled, she really was. She loved Ryan and Graham and she loved travelling with them. But she did miss having the Doctor all to herself. It wasn’t like the two of them never got time alone. They shared a bed, which automatically meant they at least got to spend nights together, but Yaz was craving more. There was a day coming up, a day Yaz hated to remember, the day the police officer found her on the side of the road, and every year coming up to that day her thoughts changed. They shifted from subtle negative thoughts between happy ones to ones of a much darker nature. ‘What if I had done it? Would everyone be happier? I would have never had to go through all that pain…’ </p>
<p>This was the reason Yaz wanted the blonde all to herself, at least for a few days. She knew she would never find the confidence to tell her love the thoughts that were flooding her mind. She felt so trapped and alone, she knew she wasn’t, but she couldn’t help it. Every spare wish she had, she put towards someone realising, someone being there on the day. But she knew the chances were ridiculously low. She had never told anyone the specific day it happened, so it wasn’t like anyone had a day to remember. It felt selfish. Everyone was dealing with their own issues in their life, Yaz knew that. Even if it wasn’t obvious, everyone was dealing with something and dumping her issues on someone else felt so incredibly wrong. </p>
<p>The Doctor had the feeling something was wrong with her girlfriend. She knew the signs, her normal chatty, bubbly girlfriend had become subdued. It had started a couple of the days ago and the blonde couldn’t work out why. She had tried asking the brunette, but she had put on a smile and answered that she was fine. Of course, the Doc hadn’t brought this for a second, but she didn’t push, not just yet anyway. She liked to give Yaz time to approach her. Instead, she had settled for holding her love slightly closer at night.</p>
<p>A few days later, nothing had changed. If anything, Yaz was getting worse. Even Graham and Ryan were catching on that something wasn’t right. They each gave the Doctor questioning looks every time Yaz left the room mumbling some excuse that no one could quite work out. They didn’t directly question Yaz though. They didn’t want to upset her further and if they were being honest she was one badass woman who scared them sometimes. The Doctor just answered their questioning looks with a shrug, she couldn’t get anything out of her girlfriend, but she decided it was time to do something about it. </p>
<p>Team Tardis was sat in a restaurant eating dinner that same evening, a restaurant that the blonde claimed was, “one of the best in the galaxy.” Of course, she was bouncing like an excitable puppy when she announced this. Even Yaz had to give a small smile at her adorable girlfriend. “Okay guys,” the Doc began, “I think its time we had some fun, tomorrow I was thinking we could go and see that show you three have been banging on about and then the day after I was thinking I would drop you two off,” she indicated across the table at Graham and Ryan, “at the arcade, football stadium thing, that you wanted to see, and me and Yaz could go to the planet with that amazing star view I’ve been telling you about. We could make a day trip if it, an amazing planet. I would pick you up midday the next day, if your all cool with that.” Graham and Ryan nodded happily, the two of them had wanted to both of those things for a while now. However, Yaz chocked on her water. She couldn’t believe it the one day, she had really needed the Doctor to herself she was going to get. “You okay with that Yaz,” the blonde asked a look of concern on her face. “Yes.” She smiled at the Doctor, a proper smile for the first time in a few days.</p>
<p>Two days later, Yaz waved to Graham and Ryan before wandering back into the Tardis to wait for the Doctor. She knew it would be a few minutes as the Doctor was probably giving them a big speech about safety and to call her if they needed her. The brunette still couldn’t believe her luck. She had the Doctor all to herself. Before she found out this information, Yaz had a plan to fake being ill for the day. Not to have the blonde all to herself but so she could be alone, so she could cry in peace. It may sound weird, but she liked to put herself in a position where she was alone because of her own actions and not because of other people’s. It was so she only had herself to blame when she was upset and alone and she felt like she was there on her own terms and no one else’s. The door to the mystical blue box opened and the Doctor entered. </p>
<p>Silently, the Doctor set the controls and then lead Yaz out of the control room and into the living room. “Now by beautiful Yaz,” the Doctor said, “Can you tell me what has been bothering you so much.” Yaz sighed, they were alone together but still the brunette couldn’t find the confidence to actually say the words. She just felt to stupid and guilty. The memories of that day, all those years ago flooded back. Pain. Loneliness. Desperation. People were there, people saw her. No one cared. Tears clouded her vision and she looked down, shoulders shook violently and Yaz tried to get a hold of herself.  “Oh, my love, sweetheart come here.” The blonde opened her arms and Yaz dove into them, gratefully expecting the tight, protective hold that her love was offering her. <br/>“I-I’m so s-sorry,” Yaz blubbered, <br/>“What for my love?”<br/>“This. Me not being able to control myself. I shouldn’t be crying like this. I’m supposed to be stronger than this. I’m supposed to be getting better!” Her last few words came out as a yell. It pained the Doctor to see her girlfriend like this,<br/>“Hey none of that, you are getting better, I’ve seen so much improvement since we first met. Having a bad few day, having a slip is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to get angry over. How about you tell me what’s been bothering you so much, you know it can really help to talk about things.”<br/>“It’s just, it’s the anniversary of the day I tried to end it all. Every year coming up to the day my thoughts change to ones about how me and everyone else would be so much better if I followed through on that day. Then on the actual day the pain of all the extra bits come back to me and I just can’t handle it. It-it hurts so much,” Yaz was sobbing again, “I wanted to tell you I really did but I just couldn’t find it in me and then I couldn’t believe it when you manged to pick the day I was really terrified of going through alone, for us to spend alone together. I was so happy, that’s way I was able to enjoy the show yesterday, but then today the guilt of me potentially dumping by problems on you, overtook me.”</p>
<p>The Doctor smiled gently at her girlfriend, she felt sad her girlfriend felt she couldn’t tell her sooner, but she was grateful her girlfriend was strong enough to let her be there for her today. “You know,” she began, “you will never ‘dump’ your problems on me. Everything you feel is valid and sharing what pains you with me, should never be something you feel guilt for, okay?” The blonde tilted Yaz’s head so blue eyes could look into tearful brown ones. Yaz gave a small nod and smile. The two sat there for a little while longer before the Doc asked what Yaz wanted to do. Deciding she wanted to be distracted the two spent the day strolling through the amazing planet the Doctor had landed on. The two never let go of each other’s hands. </p>
<p>That night, the two stared up and the incredible stars that shone brightly in the sky. “I love you,” Yaz’s voice was soft. Placing an arm around the brunette’s shoulder’s the soft reply came.<br/>“I love you too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That's that! Please let me know if you enjoyed it, I get a lot of comfort from some fanfictions, relating to it and all that. I hope by writing what I know here, someone will find comfort. Even if you didn't relate, I hope you enjoyed it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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